Funny rules for employees part-2

 continued from (part 1)>> catch the first part here

Toilet Use – Section 147/A

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 3:00 to 3:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 3:20 to 3:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may SWAP their toilet time with a co-worker. Both employee’s supervisors must approve this exchange.

Toilet Use – Section 147/B (this is our favorite!)

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the bathroom stalls.

· At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken

· After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Repeat Offenders category".

· Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be prosecuted under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

This will now range from 5 minutes to 30 minutes according to the individual.

· Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

· Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal and maintain their average figure.

· Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because they don't need to eat anyway.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations and accusations should be directed elsewhere. Thank you.

Please stay back for 5 more minutes today…as u have wasted 5 minutes in reading & forwarding this email…..

what do you feel??? do comment about your situation

Funny employee rules part-1

To All Employees - Effective January 2013 :

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

· If we see gents wearing Reebok shoes or ladies carrying leather Gucci bags, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

· If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

· If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Leave Days

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called your weekly OFF. One each week. 52 weeks in a year.

Death Ceremony Leave (for acquaintances)

This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the afternoon. You can go during your lunch break and come back immediately.

Death Ceremony Leave (for self)

This may be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two week’s notice, and it is your responsibility to train your replacement. 

continued>> catch the second part here
comment and share with your employers ;)

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wow cute child!!

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How to annoy people

Eat the cream from the cream biscuits, which can be changed by Colgate for extra fun!
Leave the print machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Step purposely on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up and in working condition"
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way because you care for the environment"
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Honk and wave to strangers.<< my favorite
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
  "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
  "What?"
  "Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.<< at your own risk
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

try a few of these and do share your experiences in comment :)
keep annoying